I hate me

It is my birthday in about a 1/2 hour. ya know what my so called boyfriends last words to me were? I could of worked the midnight shift. No head for me now. Wouldn't that be bold to get some head (from someone other then me) on your birthday. I said it would be bold no matter if it was my birthday or not. It made me feel bad and my birthday is now not as nice. I wish he would of taken the overtime now. I am at the point of saying fuck it. I don't speak to anyone. I don't go out. I'm fat, unattractive and think sex is now not an option for me. I have spent by life being sexually abused by adults and in my adulthood I let others have me for sex. Now I look at the whole thing as dirty. No one is capable of loving me as I am incapable of loving myself. When Abe finally says he has had enough of me I will be done with relationships. Growing old and alone is alot safer then letting someone in and hurting me again. It is alot safer for all. I can no longer destroy or ruin someone elses life. I have ruined Abe. I am a dysfunctional, evil women who does not deserve to have a happy day. I am just existing from day to day. I would never want to kill myself. However...........to disappear away from everything is sounding better and better. To just drive off and never be seen or heard from again would be good for everyone. I believe no one would miss me and everyones lives would be better without me causing grief with everybreath I breath. I will be 39 tomorrow and I have not made anything out of myself. I have managed to disappoint everyone and ruin their lives. Hurricane Katrina has nothing on me. I just don't want to be hear anymore.

Today I accepted a job with St. Johns Hospital. It pays well, however, it is only a contingent position. Hopefully I will get plenty of hours. I need them....as much as I can get. Hopefully I get the other job as well. I will accept it and have to let the first two go. I am trying to climb out of a financial rut. After being fired from my police job life has been so depressing that I have just wanted to give up. Getting the job at the hospital was a good feeling. I will be across from Bell Isle so it should keep me very busy.

I really don't want to give up my job with Geraldine. She has been such an inspiration to me. I really love my time with her and Mikey. (42 year old man with down syndrome) There is such an innocence to him, yet he is so typical with his manhood. Sometimes I am like eeeewwwwwww. Geraldine is slowly loosing her eye sight. She has had problems walking and keeping her balance. I have also noted that she has been more stressed. She has even said herself that she is falling apart. I have not told her that I have taken a job. It would of only stressed her out even more today then she already was.

I will not feel bad for giving up my security job for the better jobs. There is no emotional attachment. I would assume that is the reason. That and the 32 hour weekends have gotten old. I feel exhausted.

As for me and my man. No human being should feel this inadequate. Not his fault. I have always struggled with that emotion. However, he does feed into it. He told me that we are getting older and Ms. Right has not come his way. He no longer believes there is someone out there that is perfect for him so we mine as well get married. HMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! I have been taken back by that one. If I felt a lot of inadequacy then I feel even more now. That is enough on that....I am even tired of that now.
Tracie

Ups and Downs

Every relationship has ups and downs. Mine is no different. I have not been a perfect person ever in my life. Not to anyone so why should that change now. If I could change somethings about me it would first be my self esteem. It would be my emotions (that are out of wack at times) It would be my attitude towards life. It would be my weight. It would definitly be my parenting. I really would want to be a better parent to my son. I was not always there for him. I have so much going on right now. I have really disappointed everyone in my life. I am ashamed of who some of my family are. (several are racist assholes) I am ashamed of me. I feel ugly, inside and out. I procrastinate like its going out of style and I really do not like men anymore. My experiences with them my whole life has been dismal and distorted.

Today I really made my mom upset who has been paying my car note and loan because I could not afford it. Well......I have to pay her $400 a month. I do not have that. She is very angry and I do not blame her. I would be too. I really love my mom so much and will never say a pour or negative thing about her. My boyfriend just put his ego and pride on the line for me by going to ask his friend to let me have the job after I turned it down. (Via the last message I left,,,,won't go into it again). Then he proceeded to yell and belittle me and made me feel so bad. I really don't want to talk to him right now. He seems to think that an over emtional person is capable and will hurt or kill themselves or someone else. That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. I have heard of and seen the most sane, rational, unemtional people hurt and kill others. It is and individual thing and no one, no religion, race or culture is exempt from it. You do not have to be crazy or over emtional to kill or hurt yourself or someone else. Anyway........that is a whole other
issue. I left his house in absolute tears and really regretted saying anything about my mother. He had put a friendship on the line with another friend that wanted the job since I did not. He did a wonderful thing and sacrificed that for me because I really need the job now more then ever. I should of never turned it down in the first place. I am hurt and ashamed. Ashamed of who I am and the poor dicisions I have made my whole life. I have never wanted to kill my self.....but I have sometimes wanted to run and hide way far away.....away from everyone and just be by myself........then I couldn't hurt or disapoint or put anyone through anymore grief ever again. I have seriously thought about it. LOL....I don't have the money to do it. I just want to go to bed and sleep for the night. I took a break from writing up my resume to vent. I have no friends that I see on a daily basis to vent to. Just some online group friends. They are wonderful. Right now I need to get me together. Who wants a friend that is always down in the dumps and negative. Or....maybe I need some friends that will contribute some positiveness in my life so I am not always so blahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Breath

I am living day by day and making a conscious decision to back off of my relationship with my boyfriend. He is seeing many of his ex's. He runs into them and returns their calls. Soon they are buying him gifts and do his laundry. UGH!!!!! So I have been looking to rent a house back home, 50 miles away, near my mother and sister. I have spent the last 10 years staying in a state of misery and I need to run to my family an heal. I can't take it any more. I have been struggling to be the woman that he wants and I can not measure up. I am near 40 years old and feel inadequate and incapable of being a real person. Apparently therapy is slow. My self esteem is at an all time low an I need some major space. So I really need time to breath.

My my my

I am trying so hard in my life to get it right. What in the hell am I doing wrong? I am so confused, distraught and Jesus.......wtf. I am so easily hurt and I take every thing to heart. I am always looking for the negative. I know that I expect it. The negative part of people has been the only thing that has never failed me. It is the most hurtful and harmful. I am always asking myself how I am supposed to move on and help myself heal. I have taken up praying with a rosary now. Geraldine has given me one as a gift. One that was blessed by Pope John Paul II. I do cherish it. She has given me several booklets that have the prayers in them and what I need to know about praying with the rosary. I have seriously considered converting to cathalolisim. It seems so loving, structured, healing, faithful, just every thing that I need right now and forever. What is going on with me? I am nearly 40 years and need to heal soon!!!!! I need to be whole, I need to be normal. Jeezzzzz what is normal? I am filetelling like a fish out of water, desperate for something that I can't reach.

How much more depressing can I get

My life keeps spiraling out of control. I can't seem to get a grip of my sorrow. I can not seem to get a hold of this deep, out of control feeling of loss, hurt, inadequacy, feelings of not being good enough. I seem to be self centered in my thoughts and truly the monster of my relationship. This is all I can stand to write for now, since I go over this in my mind all day. I try to rationalize my thoughts and actions and my boyfriends thoughts and actions. He says he is not messing around but he blames me and says that I am. He says that my distrust comes from me messing around. He says that I must be having all these affairs because I suspect him. I am not!!!!! Nor have I ever cheated on him. Then he tells me of how his ex wants him sexually and gives him gifts. He tells me he does not like her like that however, he had her do his laundry and ohhhhhhh forget it.

Prayer

It is said that prayer can heal. If you ask, god will give it to you. Maybe not in the form you are looking for, but he will send it. I have been working for an elderly lady and her son who has down syndrome. She is an 84 year old, devout catholic and he is a 42 year old man with down syndrome. In the past several years I have made some terrible decisions and have lost so much. I prayed for some help and guidance and to my surprise I got it in the form of a sweet old lady and her handicapped son. Pure love, innocence faith and hope are alive in these two. I enjoy going to work and feel blessed when I leave. I needed them and they needed me. It is only now that I am realizing why God sent me here to work. I am not Catholic, however, she gave me a small booklet on the rosary and prayer. I say one or two Hail Mary's a day. There is a story of a man that went astray selling drugs and what not and a women in his life told him to say only one Hail Mary a day and it would do him so much good. The man later became a well known Priest that every one loves. Mrs. A tells me of the scriptures most every day and explains them so I understand. Not as a daily lesson or to convert me.....Just because it is who she is and what she believes in and how she lives her life. Because it brings her so much joy and I need it. I crave it. I want it. Somehow, God knew that I was in need. Somehow he knew she was the one I needed. I was brought up in the church. Baptized Free Methodist and Confirmed Lutheran. However.......I never understood until now. The power of prayer and faith. The love I feel alone from God is enough. I know that I am not alone. Every day that I work for Mrs. A and her son I feel so much love and faith. It is so inspirational, no words can express what I feel and many days, after I am home and reflecting on the day spent with her, I am brought to tears. I am under so much stress working two and a half jobs and attending college full time that I needed the guidance and faith. I am very blessed and thankful. I am now saying one or two Hail Mary's a day. I pray most every day and it feels good.
Tracie

What a mess

I have made such a mess of my relationship with my boyfriend. I must get my act together real quick. I have been trying to do so over the past two years and nothing I do is working. I get so worried and panic when I think my boyfriend is talking to an ex and they buy him gifts. Maybe I should but he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. We both are almost 40 years old and its time to quit the bullhit. What am I doing to him and my self. I do not know what is wrong with me and why can't I get myself together. I am loosing control of my emotions and I am afraid of loosing another man to my innability to trust or have faith. I don't like myself anymore and feel he does not like me either. Why am I like this? I need help!!!! I don't have insurance for mental care health nor do I have have it for prescriptions. The State says I make to much for any type of assistance and I can barely pay my rent. What the hell is going on? What do I do. I feel like giving up and..........disappear! No suicide shit!!!!! Thats not for me. God will call upon me when it is my time. I just feel if I left and never returned it would make everyones life so much better. I'm thinking another country all together. Just get lost. Go where no one knows me. I am tired and I need help.
Tracie