How much more depressing can I get

My life keeps spiraling out of control. I can't seem to get a grip of my sorrow. I can not seem to get a hold of this deep, out of control feeling of loss, hurt, inadequacy, feelings of not being good enough. I seem to be self centered in my thoughts and truly the monster of my relationship. This is all I can stand to write for now, since I go over this in my mind all day. I try to rationalize my thoughts and actions and my boyfriends thoughts and actions. He says he is not messing around but he blames me and says that I am. He says that my distrust comes from me messing around. He says that I must be having all these affairs because I suspect him. I am not!!!!! Nor have I ever cheated on him. Then he tells me of how his ex wants him sexually and gives him gifts. He tells me he does not like her like that however, he had her do his laundry and ohhhhhhh forget it.