Breath

I am living day by day and making a conscious decision to back off of my relationship with my boyfriend. He is seeing many of his ex's. He runs into them and returns their calls. Soon they are buying him gifts and do his laundry. UGH!!!!! So I have been looking to rent a house back home, 50 miles away, near my mother and sister. I have spent the last 10 years staying in a state of misery and I need to run to my family an heal. I can't take it any more. I have been struggling to be the woman that he wants and I can not measure up. I am near 40 years old and feel inadequate and incapable of being a real person. Apparently therapy is slow. My self esteem is at an all time low an I need some major space. So I really need time to breath.

My my my

I am trying so hard in my life to get it right. What in the hell am I doing wrong? I am so confused, distraught and Jesus.......wtf. I am so easily hurt and I take every thing to heart. I am always looking for the negative. I know that I expect it. The negative part of people has been the only thing that has never failed me. It is the most hurtful and harmful. I am always asking myself how I am supposed to move on and help myself heal. I have taken up praying with a rosary now. Geraldine has given me one as a gift. One that was blessed by Pope John Paul II. I do cherish it. She has given me several booklets that have the prayers in them and what I need to know about praying with the rosary. I have seriously considered converting to cathalolisim. It seems so loving, structured, healing, faithful, just every thing that I need right now and forever. What is going on with me? I am nearly 40 years and need to heal soon!!!!! I need to be whole, I need to be normal. Jeezzzzz what is normal? I am filetelling like a fish out of water, desperate for something that I can't reach.

How much more depressing can I get

My life keeps spiraling out of control. I can't seem to get a grip of my sorrow. I can not seem to get a hold of this deep, out of control feeling of loss, hurt, inadequacy, feelings of not being good enough. I seem to be self centered in my thoughts and truly the monster of my relationship. This is all I can stand to write for now, since I go over this in my mind all day. I try to rationalize my thoughts and actions and my boyfriends thoughts and actions. He says he is not messing around but he blames me and says that I am. He says that my distrust comes from me messing around. He says that I must be having all these affairs because I suspect him. I am not!!!!! Nor have I ever cheated on him. Then he tells me of how his ex wants him sexually and gives him gifts. He tells me he does not like her like that however, he had her do his laundry and ohhhhhhh forget it.