Today I accepted a job with St. Johns Hospital. It pays well, however, it is only a contingent position. Hopefully I will get plenty of hours. I need them....as much as I can get. Hopefully I get the other job as well. I will accept it and have to let the first two go. I am trying to climb out of a financial rut. After being fired from my police job life has been so depressing that I have just wanted to give up. Getting the job at the hospital was a good feeling. I will be across from Bell Isle so it should keep me very busy.

I really don't want to give up my job with Geraldine. She has been such an inspiration to me. I really love my time with her and Mikey. (42 year old man with down syndrome) There is such an innocence to him, yet he is so typical with his manhood. Sometimes I am like eeeewwwwwww. Geraldine is slowly loosing her eye sight. She has had problems walking and keeping her balance. I have also noted that she has been more stressed. She has even said herself that she is falling apart. I have not told her that I have taken a job. It would of only stressed her out even more today then she already was.

I will not feel bad for giving up my security job for the better jobs. There is no emotional attachment. I would assume that is the reason. That and the 32 hour weekends have gotten old. I feel exhausted.

As for me and my man. No human being should feel this inadequate. Not his fault. I have always struggled with that emotion. However, he does feed into it. He told me that we are getting older and Ms. Right has not come his way. He no longer believes there is someone out there that is perfect for him so we mine as well get married. HMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! I have been taken back by that one. If I felt a lot of inadequacy then I feel even more now. That is enough on that....I am even tired of that now.
Tracie

Ups and Downs

Every relationship has ups and downs. Mine is no different. I have not been a perfect person ever in my life. Not to anyone so why should that change now. If I could change somethings about me it would first be my self esteem. It would be my emotions (that are out of wack at times) It would be my attitude towards life. It would be my weight. It would definitly be my parenting. I really would want to be a better parent to my son. I was not always there for him. I have so much going on right now. I have really disappointed everyone in my life. I am ashamed of who some of my family are. (several are racist assholes) I am ashamed of me. I feel ugly, inside and out. I procrastinate like its going out of style and I really do not like men anymore. My experiences with them my whole life has been dismal and distorted.

Today I really made my mom upset who has been paying my car note and loan because I could not afford it. Well......I have to pay her $400 a month. I do not have that. She is very angry and I do not blame her. I would be too. I really love my mom so much and will never say a pour or negative thing about her. My boyfriend just put his ego and pride on the line for me by going to ask his friend to let me have the job after I turned it down. (Via the last message I left,,,,won't go into it again). Then he proceeded to yell and belittle me and made me feel so bad. I really don't want to talk to him right now. He seems to think that an over emtional person is capable and will hurt or kill themselves or someone else. That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. I have heard of and seen the most sane, rational, unemtional people hurt and kill others. It is and individual thing and no one, no religion, race or culture is exempt from it. You do not have to be crazy or over emtional to kill or hurt yourself or someone else. Anyway........that is a whole other
issue. I left his house in absolute tears and really regretted saying anything about my mother. He had put a friendship on the line with another friend that wanted the job since I did not. He did a wonderful thing and sacrificed that for me because I really need the job now more then ever. I should of never turned it down in the first place. I am hurt and ashamed. Ashamed of who I am and the poor dicisions I have made my whole life. I have never wanted to kill my self.....but I have sometimes wanted to run and hide way far away.....away from everyone and just be by myself........then I couldn't hurt or disapoint or put anyone through anymore grief ever again. I have seriously thought about it. LOL....I don't have the money to do it. I just want to go to bed and sleep for the night. I took a break from writing up my resume to vent. I have no friends that I see on a daily basis to vent to. Just some online group friends. They are wonderful. Right now I need to get me together. Who wants a friend that is always down in the dumps and negative. Or....maybe I need some friends that will contribute some positiveness in my life so I am not always so blahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!