I hate me

It is my birthday in about a 1/2 hour. ya know what my so called boyfriends last words to me were? I could of worked the midnight shift. No head for me now. Wouldn't that be bold to get some head (from someone other then me) on your birthday. I said it would be bold no matter if it was my birthday or not. It made me feel bad and my birthday is now not as nice. I wish he would of taken the overtime now. I am at the point of saying fuck it. I don't speak to anyone. I don't go out. I'm fat, unattractive and think sex is now not an option for me. I have spent by life being sexually abused by adults and in my adulthood I let others have me for sex. Now I look at the whole thing as dirty. No one is capable of loving me as I am incapable of loving myself. When Abe finally says he has had enough of me I will be done with relationships. Growing old and alone is alot safer then letting someone in and hurting me again. It is alot safer for all. I can no longer destroy or ruin someone elses life. I have ruined Abe. I am a dysfunctional, evil women who does not deserve to have a happy day. I am just existing from day to day. I would never want to kill myself. However...........to disappear away from everything is sounding better and better. To just drive off and never be seen or heard from again would be good for everyone. I believe no one would miss me and everyones lives would be better without me causing grief with everybreath I breath. I will be 39 tomorrow and I have not made anything out of myself. I have managed to disappoint everyone and ruin their lives. Hurricane Katrina has nothing on me. I just don't want to be hear anymore.