Lovin life now.....

Can't even begin to express my happiness! Its as if the light came on in my head....wow....even the woman boobee cheated on me with who is apparently worried about me is and saying someone sent her a copy of this blog to her work can't get me down. Previously in life I would of still been devastated but now.....not a change.

It wouldn't be the first time she lied to put me in bad light with boobee but that's ok..if he is stupid enough to believe her and think so low of me still then have at it....I finally for the first time in life don't care what people think! LOL..........I wish him well and pray he finds a good woman that is better for him!!!! He deserves better and I'm going to pray everyday that he finds a real good woman that will make him happy! I'm going to pray that the woman he cheated on me with heals her soul and does better for herself.

It is better to live with love for others and hold love in your heart.

How can he be so nieve! Go aheahd show him this too!

Its been one year since I left boobee and I feel great. Just re-read what I wrote last year and wow what a difference. I was in so much pain and so heart broken. Not even close to how I am or how I feel today. I love my life!!!! I have a great job, I am only 11 classes away from graduating with a Bachelors degree and I just bought my own home last year. I have learned that I do not need a man to make me happy and I can forgive and still love him! I am absolutely blessed with thee best family in the world and I have no time for the drama or could care less what people think of me.

Norman Vincent Peale wrote, "change your thoughts and you change your world".

You can't get any truer than that to my life right now! I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I will always love my boobee and I love that he will remain my friend! I hope he realizes now that I am not that evil, trifling, trouble starting bitch he thought I was.....It wasn't me boobee.....but I think you know who it really is now! Funny how life works....I left in so much pain and she was happy she thought she won....won what? If that is winning cause you can't find a man that isn't in a relationship with someone else? Win on baby win on! That's who you were, who you are and who you will always be! At 50 years old you should know better.....but you don't so good luck with that. Tell me why you are so threatened by me...why do you want him to hate me, why are you sending your self stuff and lying about phone calls and messages (when he got caught cheating)? He will never hate me....because deep down he knows the truth and he knows what we were to each other and what we will always mean to each other. He is forever MY BOOBEE!!! I'm going to have lots of love for you, you know who you are and I'm going to pray for you.....you obviously need it more than I cause you are still playing games while people are trying to move on. You should really move on!

To MY boobee.....I want you to be happy and to find someone who will make you REALLY happy! You deserve better than this and that is my wish for you along with good health! Your a good man and you deserve a woman that will be your match in your heart and in your life. :) Your family will always be my family and I do miss them so very much....Boobee.....take time to heal on your own and stop going from woman to woman! I swear it is the best thing I ever did for myself and you should do it too! I know you may see this since someone (I know who and I believe deep down you do too) is still playing games and copying my blog. So let me say this as I told you already and you have told me before......we say things when we are hurt and angry that may be exaggerated or untrue. My pain at the time that I left you was almost more than I could bare....but I survived and so can you! You will forever be the love of my life and that is just a fact. I will always miss not sharing the new me with you and all my happiness because I know it is what you always wanted for me and for us........I love you and always will....but I have to let you go and continue moving on as I have been doing. Tell mom, dad and Mrs. Peck I love them...tell Lori heyyyyy....and for you boobee....huh I can't hear you whaaaaattt you saaaayyyyy? lol

Boy I have a lot to catch up on! PHEW!!!!! Get ready, there is a lot for me to say! Tracie

In so much pain

My heart is so broke. After 6 years my boyfriend and I are done, we are over and it is so painful. He got caught cheating on me and he was not willing to do what it takes to keep me and to work on the relationship. All I asked was that he call the women and break it off with her while I listened in on the conversation, he give me the freedom to check his cell phone things until I felt trustful of him again. He had to get counseling alone and with me and that was about it. He said he would not do it. He would not call her and let me listen nor would he let me check his cell phone or other stuff to make sure he wasn't cheating to prove to me he could be trusted once again. He said he will not live like that. He would not fight for me and does not love me enough to go to the ends of the earth for me. He would not walk thru fire. But I would do it for him.

In 2003 I was involved in a domestic violence relationship, got out of that after losing my career in Inkster as an officer, lost the respect of my colleagues and friends. I lost myself and my son. I lost another law enforcement job a year later and my son still struggled. Jeff got out of prison and found me and went back to prison. Now, I am losing my only friend, the only person I trusted, my home and my self. I am feeling like I do not deserve anything, I can not keep a man and they do not love me. I am such a horrible person, how can I even exist. I must be pretty rotten to live such a miserable life where I can find no love, no one to love me, to accept me. Why do I even exist?

He doesn't think he has done or said anything wrong to make me distrust him, huh, I have seen all I need to I have been in denial blaming myself

Ya know either he knows exactly what he is doing or he is totally oblivious to what he has told me in the past or current.

First of all, Abe has made "friends" (so he says) with numerous women since we have been together. He always says they are going to flirt and come after me regardless if we are together or not, its what I do that you should trust in. He says he tells them he will only be friends with them. Well I have told him time and time again through out the past 5 years he can not indulge or entertain intimate, affectionate or sexual conversations with these women. One it gives them the green light to go ahead and chase after him, two it shows me what he is capable of doing or on the verge of doing, three, it sends them false hopes or ideas and four it is all the way around disrespectful to me and our relationship. He does not look at that type of behavior has cheating nor does he believe it should make me distrust him what so ever. WHY you ask? Because he didn't stick his "CANDY" up in them and have actual sex. What a crock.....cheating is cheating is cheating whether its sexual intercourse, oral sex, petting of any kind, intimate talking, sexual talk etc.... the list goes on. You can't do it and be with me that is it and as simple as can be. I may be emotional, however, he has made me more emotional then what I should ever be. A women knows when something is wrong or up and isn't right. He can twist his little story all he wants for his friends and family you just can't have those mental intimate, verbal intimate or physical intimate relationships with other women and not expect the girlfriend to believe your cheating.

I have told him how I feel about cheating, I have told him how I feel about those types of conversations, I have told him how I feel about him making new friends with women when he knows there intent is more then friendship, I have told him I can't do it anymore I am 41 and want someone who only has a heart, mind, body and soul for me and no other women. I have seen how he talks to just a female friend, I have never heard him talk about Shondra's "big ass titties" or her ass. That's not how you talk to someone who is just a friend. I don't talk to any male friends like that, nor do I allow them to talk to me like that. If they did they would be gone, end of sentence. He has spoke to many women like that and doesn't know I know. These floors and walls are thin. He says Sara L. is just an old family friend, then why is he talking about her big ass titties and telling her he is going to take her on a cruise? Why did she want to meet with him in a hotel room and want to borrow money from him, why did he try to shush me when she called on the phone? And he says there is nothing there and he has done nothing to make me distrust him. The first time he shushed me I was upset, the second time I was pissed and it hasn't happened again. Maybe because he waits till I am gone or up stairs doing something before he gets on t he phone. Who knows? I do....In the five years that I have been with him I have never snooped in his stuff until after he shushed me. That was the final straw. But wait let me break down the list over the past five years that had built up to that point to make me snoop.

It started when we were standing in the bank and he turned to me out of no where and said if this relationship didn't work out he was going to beg his ex back. I was like why in the hell would you say something like that? Since then it has went down hill as far as my trust goes for this self proclaimed "nice guy."

I just wanted to believe he wouldn't be like the others, but he is in so many ways. (not Jeff though, that monster beat my ass and Abe has never laid a hand on me.) However, Jeff did cheat and tell me he wasn't. Jeff had plenty of women "friends" and so did the other men. Abe is the same.....he has plenty of women friends that he crosses the intimate line with. It is unacceptable!!!!!!

Next came Serena and he told me he met her in a restaurant, however, he failed to tell me she was a blind date he had been set up on. We had been going out for about 5 months by that time. I only found out when we were talking to his mother and he let it slip. He insisted in front of his mother that he told me, he knows he didn't. He was cheating then as well. You go on a date you are cheating!!!!!!!!!!! CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then came Angie his director. I found a card to him on the floor and picked it up. Well you know I read it since it wasn't for me. She proclaimed her love for him and they would make a great couple. She was making him food and bringing it to him, cleaning his house and doing his dishes. So was Serena for that matter. God knows who else. Anyway....he told her he only wanted to be friends...she was pissed since he led her on. CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then came the threesome I found out about a couple of years later when I saw his picture box. When I was cleaning out the extra room, tearing up carpet, going through every bag and box along with painting and cleaning out the closet I had to find space in our bedroom closet for his clothes, shoes and other things. So I had to clean that room too along with going through every bag, box and what ever else he was hording. That day I threw away about 10 to 11 bags of garbage. It was ridiculous. The carpet was from the early 60's. Come on......almost fifty year old carpet, when I went to roll up the padding underneath it crumbled to dust. Well when I was cleaning out the closet in our room to make more space for the stuff of his to keep I ran across an old shoe box with pictures in it. Do you know the top pictures were of him and two girls. Now he tried to tell me that happened before he met me. LIAR!!!!!! The birthday card I gave you 3 months prior was on the fire place mantle in the picture ass hole!!!! We had been only going out for a little over a year at the time of that incident that was in 2004. I didn't find out till November of 2007. CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The last incident happened in 2004 (even though I didn't find out till 2007), however the next incident I found out about was in 2005 a year after that. I looked for a new doctor for him and found one, I called and made him an appointment and he came home saying he met this nurse who worked at his doctors office he used to fuck. Well did you know she took his phone number from his medical records and started calling him. That was in November of 2005. By December she was doing his laundry and by Christmas she had bought him more then $300.00 in clothes and other gifts. I told him to give it back it was not OK and was inappropriate for him to accept them. He said he was going to give them back, however he kept forgetting. Well I opened my mouth and told him I knew he wasn't going to give them back and he said he was going to keep them because I opened my smart ass mouth. I said he wasn't going to give them back in the first place don't use me as an excuse to keep them. ASS HOLE!!!!! You know he continued to talk to her and have sexual conversations with her...... he was telling me this. Either to push me away so he could be with her or to hurt my feelings, either way I know now I should have kicked him to the curb. That was my emotional low self esteem fault. I am now in counseling working on that very issue. This won't last much longer with him because he can't seem to quit. And he blames me.......and twists stories and events to make me look like I started it or caused him to do all this. He is out of his cotton picking mind!!! FUCK ABE!!!!! Till this day and till the day I leave I will remain faithful and loyal to this relationship. I will not hoe myself out to anyone to get even. I would just be hurting myself in the end. CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!

I moved in with him in his house in September of 2006. I thought it would make our relationship stronger and him love me more.....was I full of shit~~~ I was soooooo wrong!!!!!!!! I should of never been with him from the first moment thought he was cheating. He explained them all away as if I was over reacting and I felt so terrible and mentally drained. I have been depressed this whole time.

The next Christmas came a letter written by a women named Nicole. This card was in my truck so I read it. It talked about her being up all night talking to him and thinking about him. Telling him to get rid of the chaos in his life....(me since I am on him about cheating...I should of just left it made us both miserable, he couldn't cheat in peace and I was hurt.) She went on to say how much affection she had for him and how much she wanted one of those big hugs, not the regular kind, the big sexy cuddly hugs and ended it with an XOX. CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abe when did you want me to start trusting you? You want to tell me everything so you can do this crap and say I told you about her....you weren't telling me jack shit you didn't want me to know or think. If you knew it would up set me to tell me and you knew how I would feel or felt about it then you shouldn't have been doing it if you wanted to be with me!!!!!! When are you going to put me first?

Ohhhhh noooo I am not done.

I don't know how many came between this Nicole and the shushing me, however, his dear long time family friend is next as far as I am concerned. I know his mother wouldn't condone his talking sexually to her and planning to meet her at motel rooms and taking her on a cruise. That's right ABE I know about it...... make up any excuse you want and explain it away.......you have fucked her or got some head from her or both or are planning it. You don't make those types of plans and talk about her big ass titties if you haven't already or haven't yet and are planning it. Tell that bitch she can have your ass......this is making me sick as I write it!!!!! These walls have been tooo thin for you to be able to hide it for to long ass hole.

Well now he went to his mother and told her to talk to me before he actually went out and cheated. He didn't tell her every thing, only what he wanted her to hear and he said he had to be there. He didn't want me saying anything that incriminated him. She took up for him and I knew she would. If she knew about every thing she may have told me to move on. He then told me that he was going to cheat the next time I even hinted at an accusation. I have since, because he keeps doing this bullshit. So why wouldn't I believe he has now for sure if not before.

He shushed me another time but would never say who was on the phone. He said he was embarrassed of how I would behave. For the record I have never, ever, disrupted his phone conversations with who is that and why you talking to her bull shit. I may have waited till he got of the phone to inquire who he was talking to but never have I embarrassed him when he was talking on the phone. He is full of shit. He has flipped the script on me so many times that I had truly believed it was my fault and something was wrong with me. Why did I distrust him, hes just a nice guy with female friends. There must have been something wrong with me....we haven't had sex in a year and he says its because I argue with him so much. WELL yea about this shit. Then he'd flip the script again and I would feel terrible. Don't ever shush me and tell me its me ass hole!!!!!!!!

Well after that I knew I no longer trusted him, yet I didn't want him to know I didn't trust him because after all this is all my fault right? Wrong....I wasn't going to be called crazy anymore and blamed for his infidelity. Just because you don't stick your dick up in someone doesn't mean your not cheating. I am sure he has stuck his dick up in some of them for sure!!!! CHEATER!!!!!!

So in about late August or early September I started snooping. At first it was hard, because I really didn't want to be the snoopy girlfriend. Mind you he has already said he would cheat if I accused him again or even hinted at it and since then he added that if he was in a good mood that couldn't be shaken even if we fought then I would know he was cheating. Well he has been in a real good mood the past week or so. So he must be out of the closet now with it right? Back to the snooping. Yea I looked in his phone....and......pussy pictures of another women.... I'm white, she is black. Him snuggled up to another women at a bar. Who is Maria that you keep calling and having sexy texts with? What about your dick picture you took of yourself....who did you send that to? Who is Tracy? Why are you planning to meet up with her and don't make you or her wait? You shared sex text with her as well. Why did you call Maria about 5-6 times in a row back to back while I was gone to Iowa. Yeah your little fit of don't look in my phone made me real suspicious and I did look. What about your pictures of the waterfront and a horse. We never went to see any farm animals. Who did you go with? Not me. You lied about everything. I guess you can lie to the end. I surely am not going to admit snooping in your phone. After all you said it would be through if I did. How do you equate snooping worse then cheating, saying if I can't trust you then don't be with you, when the whole time you have been with other women either intimately speaking to them having intimate conversations and relationships with them, to planning and having meetings with them to most like fucking them. So how is snooping worse then cheating when you gave me reason to snoop? There is no more sense in looking, I have seen all that I need to. Words can say a lot and a picture is worth a thousand words. I saw both. Not to mention the text he sent me about not being able to wait till Saturday to wrap his arms around my sexy body. Wasn't for me it was for her!!!! See......I heard his conversation with Dan... He told Dan he didn't know what he was thinking, he said he usually presses reply and responds to the last text. This time he didn't and accidentally sent it to me. Then when I called and cussed him out he told Dan he hit the ground running. Why hit the ground running if you didn't do anything wrong. And Abe wonders why my attitude has been so bad with him and can't figure out my anger towards him. HELLLOOOOOO ASS HOLE CHEATER!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH ME, YOUR CHEATING AND CALLING ME CRAZY, INSECURE AND PARANOID ASS HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He even admitted to have played along with another females advances and had phone sex or talked about fucking her up the ass or something like that. If you knew it would hurt me and I was against that, then why would you do it in the first place? Because ABRON YOU DON'T HAVE ANY LOVE FOR ME, YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME, YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND YOU DEFINITELY DON'T RESPECT ME. I AM NOT YOUR # 1 AND ONLY. YOU DON'T THINK OF ME AT ALL!!!!! STOP WITH THESE WOMEN ABRON AND I MIGHT SETTLE DOWN AND BE HAPPY TOWARDS YOU.

I forgot about the Viagra and condoms I found that you hid. If they were for me then why hide them? ASS HOLE CHEATER!!!!! I HEARD YOUR CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FRIEND DAN! HE KNOWS ABOUT YOUR OTHER WOMAN OR WOMEN, WHICH EVER IT IS NOW. I found the Viagra again and six were missing. He said he sold them to his friend Dan. I don't believe he sold them all. I can't believe him now, not after what I have read and saw. Yeah you go looking and you'll find something, however, if your not doing anything then there should be nothing to find and I should feel ashamed. Yet I let you make me feel ashamed for it and you still continue your relationship with these girls. Lollipop, I'm not your sucker anymore!!!!!!!

It hurts and is hard to let go. I hate losing another boyfriend like this. I am working on me so this doesn't happen again. I am going to get the truly nice guy someday. Abe......you haven't quit the whole time we've been together...... you think it's ok and yet it has been hurting me for so long. I keep telling you it hurts yet you tell me to grow up they are just friends. You don't talk about your friends big ass titties, don't have sexual conversations with them, don't go on dates or plan to meet them. You don't fuck them and meet them at motels, You don't bring them to our home or in my truck.

He has never bought me a birthday gift, or Christmas gift. Well the first year he bought me something only because I got him something. I buy him stuff all the time. I have wanted him to feel loved and be happy. I cook his meals. I am sometimes late to work because I make sure his breakfast is ready for when he comes home. I buy him sugar free stuff because of his diabetes and am always looking to buy food that is healthier for him. I rub his feet most every night because he has diabetes and diabetics are prone to low circulation and neuropathy. I take care of him when he is sick, I cook his dinner, I wash his back in the shower, I am always trying to look out for him and his health because I have loved him so much!!!!!! I just want to make him happy. Yet what has he gotten me since that first Christmas..... NOTHING!!!!! When he goes to his families houses on the holidays while I work does he bring home a plate of food for me? NEVER!!!!!! Just for himself. He doesn't think of me when he talks about the future and talking about plans he's making. He just says I this and I that.

So with all this......Why would he believe I would trust him. I go to work, do my school on line and I am home all the time. I don't go anywhere.....Guys hit on me on the computer and at work and I tell them I have a man I am not available. I don't take numbers or call anyone. I don't play that. Why can't I get the same respect? Why can't he see he has been hurting me so bad with one thing after the other? Why can't he respect my feelings about these other women even if he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Why can't he love me enough to tell them NO he has a woman and not even entertain taking a phone number let alone their sex conversations. WHY CAN'T HE LOVE ME ENOUGH TO BE WITH JUST ME? AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM?

Is it to late for us...... I don't trust him right now, not at all. There is most likely more that I missed saying and I will add it as I go along.

I am being pushed further away from my boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have not been getting along at all. I push him away, so he says, a I have endured the blame for all that is wrong with this relationship. However, I don't need to be on any medication to know that this is not all my fault. He does his fair share of breaking this relationship down as well! He doesn't know I know about these other women. One that he says is only a friend of the family. Just a friend of the family my ass!!!! He must think I am stupid and that I would believe every thing he says. Then he has the nerve to try to flip the script and tell me I he believes I had an affair with my ex and his wife. You know what, I would be so upset by the end that I couldn't even stop to think that he was deflecting the attention away from who he is and what he is doing and putting it all on me. I know that all of his accusations are untrue, however, I know that mine are correct. Whether he tells his friend Dan (best friend) the whole story remains to be seen, however, that is not my cross to bare or worry about. I look forward to getting the rest of my counseling and living a more healthy life style with good nutritious food that has been known to fight depression and anxiety and the natural herb method.

One of my sisters owns a nature store and sells these vitamins and supplements. She has her family on them and I am looking to join in. I am not going to let this man make me crazy either. He says if this relationship were to end I would feel so bad that I lost a nice guy and would want him back. I think he is full of SHIT!!!!! Nice guys that love their girlfriends don't have sexual conversations with other women and entertain their come on's and meet up with them for sex. Nice guys don't try to flip the script when they have been caught only to drive the girlfriend into more of a depression. Nice guys don't blame their girlfriends for their inability to stay faithful and continue in the same relationship that he says made him unhappy and stray in the first place. He is not so much a nice guy! Not like he thinks he is. Why would you keep a relationship then? I know...I know....I ask myself the same question all the time. I know I am not emotionally ready to leave, and it may be a while before I do. However, that is what the counseling is for and all the self help work I am doing. I will get there and he will be left alone to wallow in his mess of women!!!!!!!!

I am reaching that point more so every day and feel ok with it. I am not afraid to be alone and do not need man to validate who I am. I don't want to say that men can kiss my ass, however, they can just stay away from me for now. I am not interested in a relationship of any kind, not even friendship at this point. Yeah I have to go through my angry stage and forgive. That will pass as well.

I am done complaining now........hopefully I will have a bit more positive things to say the next time. This whole blog is depressing, I really must focus on something positive. That will be my new goal for my next post.

Good Evening

Well it is now evening and I am settling in. I have had an eventful day. I went walking this morning, then came home and ate lunch. Abe and I then went to buy a gun for his job and came home and ate dinner. By that time it was six o'clock. Then I went to do some laundry and came home. I am pooped. I am ready for bed. That is soon as Abe goes to work. I love him but he gets on my nerves. Its like calgon take me away.

Get this, I am laid off from my job and loving it. Do I miss work? NO! I wish I never had to work again. I love being a stay at home girlfriend. But I do not have money to do that, no big inheritance coming, didn't win the lottery and quite frankly I am to lazy to work 2 or 3 jobs. I was the police until politricks came along and snatched what I worked so hard for away. Now before you say....oh yea right, there is a small town called Ecorse Michigan that is being run by a tyrant and his regime that he has set in place to do his will. Sounds like something out of a movie huh? Well it could be. This man has single handily fired or forced out 15 officers, several city workers and at least 5- 6 firemen since 2003 when he took office. He had an old vendetta from when he was last mayor in the 80's. He came in with a hit list and started hacking people off at the neck as so to speak. Well he did not know me, but I was expendable because I was on probation. He wanted to create his own army. Well he tried, except no one has stayed long enough to call Ecorse home. NO one stays for more then a year before they figure out what is going on and they get the hell out of there.

Well now it is election time again and the mayor has lost his mind and his credibility. He has been on the news constantly over the last few months for every thing. He and the city are being sued for duping contract workers hired by the city and then firing them, turning around and hiring convicted felons to do the job and who gets a kickback? The mayor and some of his regime aka: the city council. He had to admit on the news and in court that he had three social security numbers and two alias's. He said he got them when he was young and wanted to join the carnival with out anyone knowing. The former city attorney testified in court that he assisted the mayor in getting those ss#'s and alias a couple of years ago. HMMMMMMMMM.....

So you see, not every thing is as they seem.......until tomarrow.

Good Morning

I went for a walk in stead of a run. I will run tonight. Why? Believe it or not it was because of my shoes. They were to big and my feet were sliding all around. They hurt so bad before I even finished that I only did 1 1/2 miles. After the first mile I was tempted to quit but I said to my self, keep going another round. I made it half way around and had to stop. My feet were throbbing. OUCH! But that is ok because I will go again tonight and run.